Revisiting Miri

I went back to Miri for the first time in 7 years and 10 months. 

Miri Waterfront

I left Miri in 2014, and years have passed in a blink of an eye. The last two years have been difficult with the threat of Covid-19 pandemic. My travels have been halted and like everyone else, I've just been cooped up at home ... 

Now, travels have just resumed ... and I am gingerly braving myself to start traveling again. I managed to get a RM26 return flight to Miri last December. It was so cheap that I thought that if I did not dare to go, it was still fine to forfeit the tickets. 

Even when the date neared, I was still undecided about whether to travel. I only decided to go 24 hours prior to the departure ....

It was my first flight in more than 2 years. The flight was rather full, and unlike last time, I feared being in close proximity to strangers. The least I could do was to make sure that I keep my mask on all the time and to ensure that my hands were sanitised when I remembered. 

The trip was just 2 days ... and I stayed at 2 hotels in Miri; the stay felt a little uncomfortable, mainly because I was paranoid about the rooms being quarantine hotels and all. 

I had only 1 full day in Miri, and could not visit all people and places. So I had to be selective. I went back to my old school and was really happy to meet the clerks there - since it was school holiday, there were no teachers around. The school looked the same though many of the older staff was transferred already. It was nice to catch up.

Some parts of Miri had changed since I left ... particularly the Marina area, and the Miri Times Square area and the Miri Waterfront area. I did take the opportunity to visit my friend W there at her office at Times Square. Of course, the Marina area - where the Oil Barrel and the Seahorse statue were. I hanged out at Tanjong Lobang beach and Canada Hill for a short while. I did drive around the whole city for a bit, familiarising myself with my favourite spots around. 

Bintang Megamall was rather depressing, I found ... outwardly I thought it needed a fresh coat of paint ... the condition inside was really rundown. The basement parking was dark and dusty ... like it never finished construction. Besides belacan at the tamu and my favourite pastries at Krokop .., there wasn't much to buy home.

Food wise, I enjoyed dim sum breakfast and orang ulu cuisine and seafood. And of course, how I missed nasi lalapan at Muara Restaurant. It was a short whirlwind trip ... too short indeed. I wished I had stayed longer. 

I've Escaped The Dinosaurs!

I'm starting work at my new workplace. Well, technically I have started work here for a month already - only that classes have been conducted online. I still work from home, but I work for another school now. School G. 

School G is 3km away from my former school. Very near, isn't it? People are perplexed as to why I would get myself moved from one school to another when both schools are in close proximity. Of course, it's not the location; I have been searching for a better working environment. 

Is this school a greener pasture? I don't know. And even if it isn't, I'm staying put until I retire. This has been my second move in my entire career thus far. The first move, I remembered being very excited and very happy to come home to Kuching. This second move, well, in fact  I've been really stressed over the last 9 months - that's how long the process took and it cost me many sleepless nights. I[m just glad it's all over now. 

Mom was shocked when I told her I got a transfer. My aunts too, when I told them. How come? Well, I did put in an application, I told them. But of course it was no ordinary transfer. I was offered this opportunity and I took it up. Otherwise, which Education Department would heed my application given that I did not even fulfil the basic requirement of 10 years' service for a transfer between town schools. 

But I am definitely blessed to have another chance to start anew. I plan to grow into a dinosaur at this new workplace. Things have been so far so good! 

A colleague, D teased me when I met her the other day, "You secretly moved to School G ...." 

"Well, I'd been plotting to move since 2019," I replied.

"Good for you," she said. "Where work is concerned, go where it's best for you." 

I loved that. I hope this new school will be the best place for me to be. 

That Feeling

My knowledge of Mandarin is rather basic. I can converse and people seem to understand what I say. Sometimes I forget a word or two and I substitute the word in English, Malay or even Hokkien. Sometimes, I will code switch to English, especially when I have to talk about more complicated things. 

One day, I was speaking to Z. Normally, when we speak to each other, we use a mix of English and Mandarin. During the course of a conversation, it seems natural for us to code switch from one language to another. 

Z is a scary person at my workplace. She never minces her words and doesn't stop herself from giving you a piece of her mind if she thinks you deserve it. Because of that, many teachers avoid Z at all costs. But Z is also my friend, and Z sometimes share with me her personal problems and of course, matters related to work. 

So we were talking about our grievances at work, and I said I felt very '委屈' at this school. Wow. I was amazed that I used such a profound word. Wasn't I basic in my Mandarin capabilities? Lol.

Z blinked a few times. But the word struck a chord with her.  She felt the same way. That was the exact word to describe what we were feeling at the school.

委屈 /wei qu/ 

There is no single word to describe this feeling in English. You feel slightly hurt. You feel aggrieved. Your morale is at a low, like you are reluctant to give your best. There is a sense of injustice, like you are being shortchanged. You sort of feel sidelined, like you are not part of the school. 

Yesterday, during an online meeting ... one of the dinosaurs presented a video that my friend G produced for the committee. But when the dinosaur thanked the members of the committee, it conveniently did not mention G's name. Instead, it thanked C profusedly. Why so, we wondered? What did C do, we asked? Nothing. And yet, C was praised for his non-effort. G was hurt. Of course G could not voice out her disappointment. G could only confide in us. Poor G. 

Similar incidents happen repeatedly in many other situations. We should have been used to it. But the fact is that we aren't. How can anyone get used to this unfair treatment? Why are we discriminated against? Are we seen to be rebels? Are we difficult people? Or perhaps are we more critical of them? Because we are more critical, are they trying to make life more difficult for us? Sometimes, we jokingly call ourselves the opposition party. 

Jokes aside, however, what we are feeling is very real. When I first arrived at this school 7.5 years ago, I found it strange that everyone seemed to be talking about their retirement. Indeed there were many veteran teachers at that time, and it was their favourite topic for conversation. And I was really happy to get to know many of them well. 'I have 3 years to go, very fast,' W told me. W is now enjoying his life as a retiree. My current group of friends too are counting the years until they can leave the school for good ... 2 years, 4 years, less than 10 years and so on. They are so looking forward to it. 

Me? I have more than 10 years to slog. Can I survive that long at this place which seem to have everything against me? Chances are that I won't make it till my retirement at this rate that I'm going. I'd probably die of the stress first. I really do not enjoy my work here at all.

Of course, we are not asking the dinosaurs for adulation or to worship on the grounds that we walk on. We just demand a little bit of appreciation for our contributions. But in our hearts, we know that will happen when cows fly. 

Trying Too Hard

In my school, T-Rex is the one in charge of students' movements in and out of the school. Any change in the movement, and the first thing that T-Rex should do is to inform the committee handling data - specifically, the students' exit needs to be recorded in the official APDM system and now that attendance for online classes is keyed in online as well, the teacher managing the sPDPR system needs to be informed as well. 

At least, that is what I will do if I am in T-Rex's position. It will be my job to notify so that my enrolment is up-to-date. 

T-Rex, however, does not bother to inform the data people. Or perhaps T-Rex thinks that this job is too lowly for it. Instead, T-Rex instructs us teachers to do it. 

I had students who left school for other institutions. And so, I had to text the APDM manager and the sPDPR manager to remove these students from the system. The APDM manager acknowledged my text message and proceeded to do the removal.

The sPDPR manager also acknowledged my text message, removed the students, and took a photo of the newly-updated system and sent the photo back to me as evidence that it had been done. 

It felt a bit funny. The sPDPR manager did not have to prove himself to me. Who was I anyway? I was a mere minion, an underling. Who was I to accuse him of not doing his job? Even if he did not do his job, who was I to care? I was not his superior, anyway.

It would be different if it was T-Rex who had instructed him to get it done in the first place. If it was T-Rex who had asked, then yes, the sPDPR manager would have to send T-Rex that photo to say that he had done the job promptly. Because that photo would have sent the message to T-Rex that it had a prompt and efficient worker there. 

Such is the environment of my workplace. People are motivated by fear. People fear that the dinosaurs do not know that they are doing their work. Hence, they have to try very hard to prove themselves to those dinosaurs. Many of the times, people are not interested in many of the work. But they do it because it is forced upon them. They are not in the position to turn down the dinosaurs. Otherwise, they will be accused of being a rebel or being difficult or being lazy. They do it not because they want to, but because they fear the all-powerful dinosaurs. 

Stegosaurus in particular has a very negative way of insinuating this idea, that if one wants to be promoted, one has better do his or her job well. Recently, Stegosaurus wanted some of us to volunteer to become judges for the state-wide co-academic competitions. So Stegosaurus wrote a message to 'those who are due for promotion in 2022 and are in desperate need of something to write as a contribution to their jobs'. 

I got upset reading it. I was due for my time-based promotion next year. But if I did not volunteer for this task, did it mean that I was not good enough for promotion? Did I have to do it just to please Stegosaurus, because it had a say in whether or not I would receive my promotion next year? And what if I was not due for promotion, did it mean that I need not volunteer myself? What logic was Stegosaurus thinking? Was it even professional to suggest that people volunteer because they needed it for their promotions? 

With the likes of T-Rex and Stegosaurus, my joy for my work had slowly but surely diminished. But thankfully, that is all over now. I have escaped their claws. 

What's With The Letter?

I worked with Triceratops as soon as I reported for duty at work at this institution . I was unofficially appointed as the secretary for the group. As a secretary, I prepared many letters. And all the letters were signed by Triceratops. 

I felt that it was not right, because I thought that only the personnel with authority - the Principal or the Senior Assistants - could sign letters bearing the school and the official government logo; and not Triceratops who was just an ordinary teacher. But it seemed that it was standard practice for Triceratops to sign all letters related to the group activities. Triceratops had done it for years apparently. 

So even though I felt that it was not right, I maintained the status quo. As per Triceratops' wishes, I wrote its name in every official letter that I prepared. Triceratops signed every single one of them before sending them off. The Principal knew about it, I supposed, but never put a stop to it. That meant that the Principal was ok with others in the school signing the official school letters?  Or did Triceratops only do it because the Principal did not want to sign them? Because I know that the Principal did not support the group nor its activities. One time, when I was still pretty new in the institution, I asked the Principal to sign a letter for the group, because at that time, he was the only person of authority around. The Principal made it clear to me that I was not to ask for his signature for such letters in the future. 

One day, Student A came to me and showed me the letter she would send to McDonald's to ask for sponsorship. It was a letter written using the school and the official government logo, and it was signed by Student A herself. I was aghast. Not only that, I was put off by the broken language she used in the letter. So as a teacher-advisor to her project, I edited the letter for her. 

I edited her sentences. I took out the logos and set the letter on a plain piece of paper. As a student, Student A would be sending a 'surat melalui' ... that meant that she had her own details at the top as the writer of the letter, with a verification by the Principal or a Senior Assistant's right below it. The Principal or the Senior Assistant would just annotate the letter to acknowledge it. 

The letter done, Student A went to see T-Rex to get its verification signature on her letter. However, T-Rex made a fuss of the letter. T-Rex refused to sign it. Then, T-Rex wrote a long message in the school's official messenger group, stating that the letter was a disgrace and would portray a bad image of the school to the public. T-Rex even asked rhetorically how was it expected that it sign such a bad letter. 

Poor Student A. She was caught between T-Rex and myself. Student A came back and asked whether she needed to revert to the first unedited draft of her letter. I insisted that the format of the first letter was wrong and her language was off-putting. I also told her in no uncertain terms that I refused to change my stand - because I knew for certain that Student A should not be using the official letterhead because she was just a student. 

Duh. Was it standard practice in this school that anyone and everyone could sign on letters bearing the official letterhead? Didn't they know that they did not have that authority to use the letterhead it in the first place? Wouldn't the public laugh at us for allowing a student to sign on an official letter from the school? So in the end, did Student A rewrite the letter according to the wishes of T-Rex, I had no idea. 

I was angry because T-Rex came between me and Student A. I thought I was the teacher-advisor, and not T-Rex. If T-Rex wanted badly to advise students, T-Rex should be assigned a group of students like the rest of us. And if T-Rex thought I did wrong in advising Student A, T-Rex should have come talk to me. Not that I would have changed my stand anyway - I would have insisted that it was wrong of Student A to use the school letterhead, and as a teacher, it was my duty to advise her on the right way of doing things. It was also VERY APPARENT that T-Rex did not know the protocols of letter-writing. And T-Rex was just getting angry at people for doing the right thing - making so much noise out over something that was not even right in the first place. Duh. 

I refer to this website : 

Hanya orang yang mendapat kuasa sahaja boleh menandatangani surat rasmi kerajaan. Orang yang memiliki kuasa itu ialah ketua sesuatu kementerian, bahagian, jabatan dan sebagainya. Misalnya, di sekolah, pemilik kuasa itu ialah guru besar (GB) atau pengetua.

Seorang atau beberapa orang pegawai kanan dalam sesebuah organisasi kerajaan boleh menandatangani surat rasmi. Antara contoh pegawai kanan dalam organisasi kerajaan ialah penolong kanan di sekolah. Pegawai kanan ini mendapat kebenaran untuk menandatangani surat rasmi kerajaan yang berkaitan dengan bidang tugas mereka sahaja. Mereka menandatangani surat rasmi bagi pihak (b.p.) ketua organisasi yang berkenaan.

Saya pernah menerima beberapa banyak surat yang melanggar kuasa untuk menandatangani surat rasmi. Orang yang menandatangani surat itu ialah guru biasa di sekolah.

In the same website, 

Penulis surat rasmi dalam kalangan guru pelatih dan guru perlu mematuhi prosedur “surat melalui” apabila menulis surat kepada pihak luar. Penghantaran surat mengikut prosedur “melalui” membolehkan pihak yang berkenaan mengesahkan kandungan surat itu. Selain itu, pihak yang berkenaan berpeluang mencatatkan ulasan, khususnya yang berupa sokongan, terhadap kandungan surat itu.

... surat keluar melalui saluran dalaman. Sebagai contoh pertama, katakan Lasimbang ialah pelajar Institut Pendidikan Guru (IPG) A. Apabila Lasimbang menulis surat kepada pihak luar, surat itu mesti melalui tutornya dan Pengarah IPG A. Sebagai contoh kedua, katakan Cikgu Jumain ialah guru sebuah sekolah rendah. Apabila Cikgu Jumain menulis surat kepada Dewan Bahasa dan Pustaka (DBP), suratnya itu perlu melalui GB sekolahnya dan PPD.

I have been in the school system for years, and I do know a little about letter-writing protocols. I would have probably written more letters than T-Rex. T-Rex did not know everything. T-Rex should have just read up or found out more. But T-Rex was either too lazy or too proud to do so. I guess it was easier for T-Rex to lash out. T-Rex after all, had to show us minions that it was in charge.

Only that to me, T-Rex was really ignorant and totally unreasonable. T-Rex was nothing but a big, big bully. 

My Woeful Workplace

My direct superiors are 2 dinosaurs. The old dinosaur is a real blur. Perhaps because it is older, it is slow and forgetful. This dinosaur often rambles about insignificant things that are not directly related to work. Hence, my colleagues and I do not take this dinosaur seriously. We are not scared of this dinosaur too. We only wish that it is more focused on its work and perhaps, it can help us rein the other dinosaurs in a little. Right now, old dinosaur is mostly in its own world, doing its own thing. But other dinosaurs actually rule the roost. 

The dinosaur I report to directly is a real scare, a T-Rex. It is demanding, and has super high expectations of me and of my colleagues. Every project has to be thought out in detail before being presented. And every paperwork has to be comprehensive before being submitted. If we do not fulfil T-Rex's expectations, T-Rex turns ugly. T-Rex will then criticize and make us feel so stupid and so small. 

T-Rex never sent me for professional courses. As the head of the subject, I feel that I should be attending courses when it is related to my subject. But no, T-Rex itself attended one important course and sent another colleague to attend another. In my 7.5 years in the school, there were only 2 courses related to the syllabus and I never got to go to any. Why? Did T-Rex fear that I would know more than it would? Did T-Rex fear that I would be better than it? Was I a threatening figure to T-Rex's position, and hence, it had to send someone less threatening? Well, if T-Rex ever felt threatened by me, I guess I had to feel honoured about it? 

I also hated it when T-Rex came between the students and me. You see, our opinions differed sometimes, and the students were caught in between. By right, students under my charge should be following my guidelines. I was a teacher-advisor for their project for a reason - to help and guide them. And there came T-Rex, meddling in our affairs ... One time, I firmly disagreed with T-Rex in matters related to documentation because I firmly believed that what T-Rex wanted was not right at all. T-Rex had the students follow its way. I found it unacceptable because it was the wrong way. The students? Heck, I washed my hands off them and let them do whatever they wished. It was just very unprofessional to me because with T-Rex in the picture, the students would undermine my capabilities and my professional judgement. If T-Rex had wanted to have a say in the students' work, by right, T-Rex should have gone through me, instead of going to the students directly. And you know what, T-Rex did this very often. 

Recently, my friend said to me in Mandarin, 'T-Rex likes to cause harm to others'. In Mandarin, my friend used the word 害; T-Rex gets a kick from seeing teachers suffer. A modern sadist. Hence, T-Rex ensures that the teachers are fully occupied - teaching, co-curricular activities, projects, action researches, reports, exams, invigilations, and so on. Yet, after doing all these, T-Rex never shows its gratitude and appreciation. T-Rex even gets in the way of people's promotional opportunities. A former colleague of mine, who had since retired, bitterly talked about it in his speech on his retirement day; he stood on the stage, giving his farewell speech and sharing his regret that he could not apply for promotion without the support of T-Rex and its dinosaur friends. Indeed, there were many who were bitter - some have retired and vowed never to step foot in the school again, some were forced to resign, others opted to retire early, some have transferred ... and a few have sadly passed on.

To survive in the school, one has to have great PR Skills. Good morning, sir. Hello, madam. Yes, sir. No, madam. Sounds pretentious, but who seriously doesn't like to be fawned over? One's ego will be flattered, and he or she will feel great about himself or herself. T-Rex does not like most teachers, but T-Rex does like a handful. These are the newcomers, the sweet-talkers, the actors or actresses. Favour is not based on merit but by how one can actually carry himself or herself in front of T-Rex. So the time came when T-Rex had to review your projects, and if T-Rex liked you, your project would get a pass easily. But if T-Rex hated your guts, you would have to redo yours. That's a certainty every time. T-Rex did not like me. And I always got to work with people whom T-Rex did not like either. But I also had tricks up my sleeve. I am good at paperwork, so I always make sure I come up with a comprehensive proposal that will do the job of convincing T-Rex of my project. Make lemonade when life throws you lemons.

One fine day, my colleague L sent me a text message. Did T-Rex observe my online class, she asked. T-Rex was going to observe her and she was worried about it. Well, not to worry, I advised her. I told her that T-Rex merely wanted to steal some ideas for its own lessons. Little did I know that T-Rex too invited itself to my online class just two days later - on the pretext that it was a pre-scheduled observation that T-Rex just had to carry out no matter what. I also asked around to check which other classes T-Rex entered, and another colleague M told me exactly what I told L - that T-Rex was on the prowl for lesson ideas. 

I guessed we all knew T-Rex too well. I was just annoyed about how T-Rex was too proud to admit that it wanted to learn from lowly minions like us. Why couldn't T-Rex just say that it wanted to see and learn how we carried out our online lessons? Why did T-Rex have to make me believe that it was coming to MY class because it HAD to do it because the observation HAD been scheduled? Did T-Rex think I would believe it? Did T-Rex think I was a fool? But anyway, because of that statement, I designed a lesson that would bowl T-Rex over. I showed T-Rex how I engaged my students and used various web tools in my 2 hour class. I made sure that T-Rex knew that I was of certain calibre and that it was right to be intimidated by my capabilities.

Sigh. I hate T-Rex's irrationality. I hate it even more when no one can talk some sense into T-Rex. I hate it when T-Rex makes a mountain out of a molehill.  I hate it when T-Rex makes excuses to get things done in a way it likes it.  I hate it when T-Rex goes behind my back to do things. Above all, I hate myself for being affected by T-Rex's tyranny. 

These days, when I read T-Rex's messages in the official messenger chat group, I sort of think that T-Rex is trying very hard to show that it is grateful to all the teachers' work despite everything. However, because T-Rex has a terrifying reputation already, it will be so difficult for this reputation to be undone. No matter what T-Rex writes in the messages, I won't buy it at all. No one will buy it. 

Only after one week at the school, a school clerk walked over as I was supervising some students at the field. Seeing that I was new, the clerk dropped by to make some small talk. The clerk did not hesitate to warn me about T-Rex - do not ever get blacklisted by T-Rex or else your days would be numbered. Did this clerk go around and tell lies about T-Rex? I would say not. T-Rex was really a scary creature. 

For all of my woes, I can actually still tolerate T-Rex. But why should I tolerate T-Rex when T-Rex was nothing but a big bully? 

Do I Love My Work?

Some people freely and openly profess their love for the school and the students.

My friend Z however, is ever so truthful about it. I am not that noble, she said. To her, school is a hell hole and students are the devils. She is only in it for the money. If she has a better way to earn a living, she will not have become a teacher. Or at least, she will choose not to teach here in this school.

So what about me? Well, do I like my school and my students?

First of all, I must admit that I like the brand. The name used to be associated with greatness. But now, it is no longer great. The thing is that there are still many inside and outside the school who still think that it is great. I think they are just deluding themselves. 

How about the environment? Well, it's an old school and it shows. Efforts to upgrade are ongoing ... but then they cannot cover the traces of the years gone by. The damage to the physical buildings however, is nothing in comparison with the rot in the working environment. 

There is a nervous energy around. Everyone seems to be trying so hard to prove themselves to the all-powerful administrative team. People who do not try to prove themselves will be deemed a non-performer. One needs to self-promote in order to gain favours from the top. 

The administrative team themselves are made up of a pack of dinosaurs. They have been in their positions for far too long, doing the same things over and again every year. They are too comfortable in their places as they command deference and cooperation from the rest of the school community. These dinosaurs are so tight, that when a new dinosaur comes, it does not fit in. The new dinosaur is all alone in its endeavours, even though it is supposed to be the head of the pack. 

As an underling, I am expected to conform with no questions asked. Ask and I will be prejudiced against. The dinosaurs will think that I am unwilling or I am difficult or I am rebellious. "Feel free to discuss if you have problems." It is an invitation that no one ever takes up. As a result, there are many underlying problems that are not addressed. Why should they be addressed anyway, for most of the problems are seen to be stemming from down there ... where a majority of us dwell. It is and will always be our faults. 

I also dislike the way things are communicated from up there. It seems like I am just expected to know what to do without being told. Many times, I ask myself whether I am a mind-reader. Did the dinosaurs expect me to know what they are thinking without them telling me so? Just recently, I received a text message from this dinosaur. Let's just call it Stegosaurus. Stegosaurus texted, "PPD said nobody join XYZ competition." Of course nobody joined the competition because we did not know of its existence. If we did not know about it, we did not invite entries from the students. It was funny that Stegosaurus expected us to join a competition that we did not know about. 

Stegosaurus' message could be interpreted as 'you are not doing your work'. It emitted that vibe. The text could have been just, "Can you get someone to participate in this XYZ competition?" and I would have complied. I suppose I was not angry with the message so much. I was angry because it seemed like Stegosaurus was accusing me of not doing my work when in fact, it did not even tell me that I was supposed to do it in the first place. 

This is just an example of my brush with one of the dinosaurs. With Stegosaurus in particular, I have had many frustrating episodes. It left me feeling really demoralised and depressed.

The dinosaurs notwithstanding, I do have some good friends among my colleagues. We chat in our messenger apps every day. Prior to Covid-19, we gather together to socialise, we go for walks sometimes and we even travel together during the holidays. These people make the situation a bit more endearing. 

The students? Do I love them? Obviously not all. There is this class that I am teaching with students that are not brilliant and they are not angels. They come late to my online class and sometimes they skip my classes. But I love them for being cooperative during my lessons. Sometimes, you just click with the students, and with this particular class, I must say that I do click. I love these mischievous lot of students, yes. 

So am I in it for the money? Well, I must say that I love to teach because it's what I do best. If there is one thing I like, it is lesson design. I carry out my lessons well and feel good about them afterwards. I also love other professional work related to my teaching - even marking. What I don't love is the other tedious work in school - like taking charge of cocurricular activities or minding the cleanliness of the toilet or managing the school canteen activities ... the reality is that I cannot pick and choose what I like and do not like to do at school. Everything comes in a package.

The sad thing for me is that this package is not tailor-made for me. It is a package that I inherited from the previous personnel who had since retired. It was customised for that particular teacher, who was quite happy with her load of work. Me? I found it a chore, and yet I am expected to carry on the legacy. Hence, it left me very dissatisfied. I kept asking myself why should I be tasked with what was suited for that person? I wasn't that person. I was me. 

Today, 7.5 years after I come here, I do not enjoy my work at all and my career is at an all-time low.