Do I Love My Work?

Some people freely and openly profess their love for the school and the students.

My friend Z however, is ever so truthful about it. I am not that noble, she said. To her, school is a hell hole and students are the devils. She is only in it for the money. If she has a better way to earn a living, she will not have become a teacher. Or at least, she will choose not to teach here in this school.

So what about me? Well, do I like my school and my students?

First of all, I must admit that I like the brand. The name used to be associated with greatness. But now, it is no longer great. The thing is that there are still many inside and outside the school who still think that it is great. I think they are just deluding themselves. 

How about the environment? Well, it's an old school and it shows. Efforts to upgrade are ongoing ... but then they cannot cover the traces of the years gone by. The damage to the physical buildings however, is nothing in comparison with the rot in the working environment. 

There is a nervous energy around. Everyone seems to be trying so hard to prove themselves to the all-powerful administrative team. People who do not try to prove themselves will be deemed a non-performer. One needs to self-promote in order to gain favours from the top. 

The administrative team themselves are made up of a pack of dinosaurs. They have been in their positions for far too long, doing the same things over and again every year. They are too comfortable in their places as they command deference and cooperation from the rest of the school community. These dinosaurs are so tight, that when a new dinosaur comes, it does not fit in. The new dinosaur is all alone in its endeavours, even though it is supposed to be the head of the pack. 

As an underling, I am expected to conform with no questions asked. Ask and I will be prejudiced against. The dinosaurs will think that I am unwilling or I am difficult or I am rebellious. "Feel free to discuss if you have problems." It is an invitation that no one ever takes up. As a result, there are many underlying problems that are not addressed. Why should they be addressed anyway, for most of the problems are seen to be stemming from down there ... where a majority of us dwell. It is and will always be our faults. 

I also dislike the way things are communicated from up there. It seems like I am just expected to know what to do without being told. Many times, I ask myself whether I am a mind-reader. Did the dinosaurs expect me to know what they are thinking without them telling me so? Just recently, I received a text message from this dinosaur. Let's just call it Stegosaurus. Stegosaurus texted, "PPD said nobody join XYZ competition." Of course nobody joined the competition because we did not know of its existence. If we did not know about it, we did not invite entries from the students. It was funny that Stegosaurus expected us to join a competition that we did not know about. 

Stegosaurus' message could be interpreted as 'you are not doing your work'. It emitted that vibe. The text could have been just, "Can you get someone to participate in this XYZ competition?" and I would have complied. I suppose I was not angry with the message so much. I was angry because it seemed like Stegosaurus was accusing me of not doing my work when in fact, it did not even tell me that I was supposed to do it in the first place. 

This is just an example of my brush with one of the dinosaurs. With Stegosaurus in particular, I have had many frustrating episodes. It left me feeling really demoralised and depressed.

The dinosaurs notwithstanding, I do have some good friends among my colleagues. We chat in our messenger apps every day. Prior to Covid-19, we gather together to socialise, we go for walks sometimes and we even travel together during the holidays. These people make the situation a bit more endearing. 

The students? Do I love them? Obviously not all. There is this class that I am teaching with students that are not brilliant and they are not angels. They come late to my online class and sometimes they skip my classes. But I love them for being cooperative during my lessons. Sometimes, you just click with the students, and with this particular class, I must say that I do click. I love these mischievous lot of students, yes. 

So am I in it for the money? Well, I must say that I love to teach because it's what I do best. If there is one thing I like, it is lesson design. I carry out my lessons well and feel good about them afterwards. I also love other professional work related to my teaching - even marking. What I don't love is the other tedious work in school - like taking charge of cocurricular activities or minding the cleanliness of the toilet or managing the school canteen activities ... the reality is that I cannot pick and choose what I like and do not like to do at school. Everything comes in a package.

The sad thing for me is that this package is not tailor-made for me. It is a package that I inherited from the previous personnel who had since retired. It was customised for that particular teacher, who was quite happy with her load of work. Me? I found it a chore, and yet I am expected to carry on the legacy. Hence, it left me very dissatisfied. I kept asking myself why should I be tasked with what was suited for that person? I wasn't that person. I was me. 

Today, 7.5 years after I come here, I do not enjoy my work at all and my career is at an all-time low.