That Feeling

My knowledge of Mandarin is rather basic. I can converse and people seem to understand what I say. Sometimes I forget a word or two and I substitute the word in English, Malay or even Hokkien. Sometimes, I will code switch to English, especially when I have to talk about more complicated things. 

One day, I was speaking to Z. Normally, when we speak to each other, we use a mix of English and Mandarin. During the course of a conversation, it seems natural for us to code switch from one language to another. 

Z is a scary person at my workplace. She never minces her words and doesn't stop herself from giving you a piece of her mind if she thinks you deserve it. Because of that, many teachers avoid Z at all costs. But Z is also my friend, and Z sometimes share with me her personal problems and of course, matters related to work. 

So we were talking about our grievances at work, and I said I felt very '委屈' at this school. Wow. I was amazed that I used such a profound word. Wasn't I basic in my Mandarin capabilities? Lol.

Z blinked a few times. But the word struck a chord with her.  She felt the same way. That was the exact word to describe what we were feeling at the school.

委屈 /wei qu/ 

There is no single word to describe this feeling in English. You feel slightly hurt. You feel aggrieved. Your morale is at a low, like you are reluctant to give your best. There is a sense of injustice, like you are being shortchanged. You sort of feel sidelined, like you are not part of the school. 

Yesterday, during an online meeting ... one of the dinosaurs presented a video that my friend G produced for the committee. But when the dinosaur thanked the members of the committee, it conveniently did not mention G's name. Instead, it thanked C profusedly. Why so, we wondered? What did C do, we asked? Nothing. And yet, C was praised for his non-effort. G was hurt. Of course G could not voice out her disappointment. G could only confide in us. Poor G. 

Similar incidents happen repeatedly in many other situations. We should have been used to it. But the fact is that we aren't. How can anyone get used to this unfair treatment? Why are we discriminated against? Are we seen to be rebels? Are we difficult people? Or perhaps are we more critical of them? Because we are more critical, are they trying to make life more difficult for us? Sometimes, we jokingly call ourselves the opposition party. 

Jokes aside, however, what we are feeling is very real. When I first arrived at this school 7.5 years ago, I found it strange that everyone seemed to be talking about their retirement. Indeed there were many veteran teachers at that time, and it was their favourite topic for conversation. And I was really happy to get to know many of them well. 'I have 3 years to go, very fast,' W told me. W is now enjoying his life as a retiree. My current group of friends too are counting the years until they can leave the school for good ... 2 years, 4 years, less than 10 years and so on. They are so looking forward to it. 

Me? I have more than 10 years to slog. Can I survive that long at this place which seem to have everything against me? Chances are that I won't make it till my retirement at this rate that I'm going. I'd probably die of the stress first. I really do not enjoy my work here at all.

Of course, we are not asking the dinosaurs for adulation or to worship on the grounds that we walk on. We just demand a little bit of appreciation for our contributions. But in our hearts, we know that will happen when cows fly.